While researching workplace bullying, I discovered The Bullying Circle, created by Dan Olweus. The model was developed for schools, but I think it applies equally well to the workplace. Here are the roles Olweus identified in bullying situations.

• The bully: Initiator, leader.
• Follower/henchmen: Take part in the behavior.
• Passive bullies: Don’t join in, but support it through statements, laughter.
• Passive supporters: Like it, but no outward sign of support.
• Disengaged onlookers: Notice, but don’t take a stand. Do nothing.
• Possible defenders: Notice behavior, believe it’s wrong, but don’t act.
• Defenders: Do what they can to help.

Once I heard the story of a woman who was being sexually harassed. As she shared the experience with me, she described the bully’s behavior, which I found disturbing enough. But then the story turned to other co-workers who saw the harassment and not only didn’t help her but laughed about it. Telling this part of the story brought tears to her eyes.

In my experience there are not that many true bullies in workplaces. I believe there are often plenty of passive bullies and supporters. There are also way too many disengaged onlookers, people who say to themselves, “I’m just not getting involved.”

I want to believe the majority of people who witness bullying are possible defenders. The challenge is helping them take some action. When you see bullying at work, consider doing one or more of the following:

• Tell the target what you witnessed and let him or her know that you believe they were wronged. Offer to help.
• Talk through the situation with the target, providing ideas and suggestions for how to resolve the problem.
• Report what you saw to someone who can take action.
• Challenge the bully’s behavior. Imagine you are in a meeting and a bully starts tearing into a co-worker. This is when you might say something like, “Hang on a minute Jim. I don’t see things the way do and think the attack on Maddie is unfair.” You might also have a conversation with Jim in private after the meeting to tell him you think his behavior was out of line.
• If the target wants others to join in on a complaint and you have something to offer, do it.

Bullies are hard to stop, especially when you are the target. It’s easier when many rise up and say enough is enough. Be one of those voices.

Image credit: © Can Stock Photo

You have options

Feeling stuck is normal. It’s also not true. In previous posts we’ve examined the options you have in dealing with the bully. Here’s a reminder.

• Change your thinking.
• Confront the bully.
• Report the problem.

Deciding to use these will take courage, skill, and perseverance. With a little luck and assuming you are in a healthy workplace, one or more of these options may very well solve the problem. But what if they don’t? In that case, you are still left with one more card you can play. You can leave.

To most people, this isn’t an option at all. They see the problems associated with leaving as worse than staying and accepting the bully’s abuse. Loss of income, benefits, seniority often top the list. In a bad employment market people are also understandably worried about not being able to find another job.

The main objection, however, is that leaving isn’t fair. After all, you did nothing wrong. The bully should be the one who leaves. In a fair world that’s how it would work. Unfortunately, as we’ve all learned, things aren’t always fair.

Be smart about leaving

Obviously, leaving is a last choice. That’s okay. It’s just good to have choices, even when the consequences of exercising an option is troubling. A person considering leaving needs to be smart about it. Here are some tips to be more successful if you are thinking about playing your exit card.

• Lay the ground work early. Explore other options long before ever making the final decision to leave. The last thing you want to do is up and quit as an emotional reaction. This won’t win you much support from others in the organization from whom you might later need a reference. Also waking up tomorrow with no job when you weren’t prepared can be a pretty scary scenario.
• Always be developing a strong professional network. Having people who are willing to help is a huge asset during job transitions. Don’t wait until you need them. The best time to build relationships is when you don’t need a favor.
• Sometimes an internal transfer will do the trick. For those working in large enterprises this is usually a good first consideration. If you do choose to stay inside the organization, make sure your new position is outside the bully’s sphere of influence.
• Make a case for leaving that you can use to convince yourself and interested friends and family. They will focus on what you are giving up and may try to convince you to stick it out. You’ll need to be prepared to counter their objections so that you’ll feel confident in your decision.
• Don’t seek revenge or burn bridges on the way out.

While you didn’t ask to be put into this situation, it is where you find yourself now. Try everything discussed in previous posts. Have your exit card in your back pocket, ready to pull out and use if necessary. Simply knowing you can leave might be enough to give you the confidence you need to manage this person more effectively if you choose to stay. And if you do decide to leave, many who have taken this leap before you have discovered a much better work situation and a far happier life. Move forward with hope.

Image credit: griffithchris

Who can help?

Before thinking about what you are going to say, you first need to identify your reporting options. Ideally, the person should be someone you trust and who has the knowledge and authority to provide you with the help you need. Assuming she isn’t the bully, your supervisor is often the best first choice. Competent supervisors have a clear interest in creating a better workforce. They want employees to be happy and productive. Bullying cuts into both.

If the boss is the problem, then you have to explore other options. An HR person is usually your best choice. They should take the complaint and then involve the people necessary for resolving the situation. You might also consider taking it to a higher level manager such as your boss’s manager. This choice is usually a little riskier, especially if the bully has a fantastic working relationship with her manager.

Other possibilities include calling an employee assistance program, talking to a union representative, or even an attorney if you anticipate serious trouble.

Overcoming the obstacles

Most people are afraid to report the bully. First of all it just feels wrong. This can usually be traced back to what we learned as children from friends, and often reinforced by adults in our lives. Snitching is bad. If that idea is in your head, I suggest you think about reporting a bully as problem-solving. You are simply involving others because you believe more ideas, skills, or authority are required to deal with the situation.

There are other obstacles as well. They include the concerns that…

• Your concerns won’t be taken seriously.
• The person to whom you report the problem won’t deal with the issue or may not have the skills to solve the problem.
• You will be viewed as a whiner or pot-stirrer who can’t deal with your own problems.
• The bully will find out and ratchet up the abuse.

Many of these well-grounded fears can freeze you in your tracks and leave you exposed to repeated bullying. To keep them from steering you away from taking a positive step that could solve the problem, you may want to consider the following:

• Good organizations do take these kinds of concerns seriously.
• If the people who could help aren’t aware of the problem, they will not help.
• The bully may well attempt to retaliate. If so, she is simply digging a deeper hole for herself and increasing the chances of being removed from the organization.

Prepare for success

To be successful with this approach, there are a variety of things you need to remember.

• Be specific and precise in describing the behaviors.
• Have facts detailed and documented. Keep a log.
• Be respectfully persistent to any initial push back.
• Don’t dump and run, but rather partner with the person. Make the conversation a joint problem solving session.
• Role play with a friend or family member. Ask them to play the role of hesitant or disbelieving boss.
• Plan to follow-up.
• Know that managers cannot discuss the specifics of any actions they took with the bully.
• See if others who have been bullied by this person will be part of a collective complaint.
• If it becomes necessary to escalate to someone else, letting the original person in on that plan is always a good idea.

Reporting a bully is can be as scary as a direct confrontation. Sometimes the bully leaves you with no choice. In these cases, seek out the help you need to deal with the bully.

Image credit: © Can Stock Photo

Before you go storming off to let the bully have it, I’d suggest you read a little more. You need a plan. You also need to prepare. Ignoring this advice is likely to lead you to do or say something that may create even more trouble.

Planning questions

To create an effective plan, you must first understand the situation. Here are some questions to answer?

• What specifically is the bully doing?
• When does it happen?
• What might be setting off the bad behavior?
• What’s the bully want or need?
• Why am I the target of his aggression?

You may not know all the answers, but do your best to form theories, leaving open the possibility that they may be wrong. Also, consider doing some reconnaissance. Use the next couple interactions you have with the bully as an opportunity to figure out what’s going on. Instead of reacting, remain neutral, friendly is even better. Engage in conversation that might help you uncover the answers to the questions. You’ll be most successful if the bully doesn’t know that you are gathering information.

Another source of information is to observe how the bully acts towards others. You might also talk with co-workers about this person to see if they’ve experienced any of the same behaviors or can offer you insights about what is occurring.

Your approach

Once you’ve got the best possible understanding of the situation, determine how you will approach the bully. Start with gentle approaches and work your way into tougher language only if softer language doesn’t work.

Let’s say your boss, Bob, is hyper-critical of your work. You’ve been planning on saying something and today he provides you with the opportunity when he says, “My first grader could have done a better job on this than you.” Here are some examples of what you might say.

1. “It’s clear you see problems with my work. Let’s talk about your specific concerns and then figure out how to correct them.” This is a very non-threatening confrontation technique. Using this approach you re-frame the insult and turn his statement into something more productive. You may need to use this several times before it has any effect on Bob’s behavior.
2. “Hold on a minute. I understand you are concerned with the quality of my work. What I don’t understand is why you are insulting me. What’s going on?” In this statement, you acknowledge the insult and give the bully a chance to explain his behavior. Most bullies will not like this conversation and may think twice before bullying you in the future.
3. “I’d be happy to talk about your concerns with my work, but first I want to talk about the things you’ve been saying to me. Comparing me to your first grader is demeaning. I want to be treated with respect and am asking you to refrain from making those kinds of comments.” Here you’ve called out the behavior and asked the person to stop. You are direct, honest, and respectful. That’s the goal.
4. “We’ve talked about this before. I’ve asked you to please treat me with respect. You have chosen to ignore my requests. I want to work this out between just the two of us. I’m not, however, going to stand for it any longer. I need you to know that if you insult me just one more time, I am going to escalate my concerns to someone that can help resolve this.” In this statement, you are telling the bully there will be consequences for his continued bad behavior. He’s likely to see this as a threat and things could get ugly. Use this as the last thing you try before reporting the behavior. If you believe this kind of statement can only make things worse, then don’t do it, and seek help after trying statement #3.

Now in the perfect world, Bob gets the message and changes his ways. However, we don’t live in perfect worlds. He may deny the charge, ramp up his attack right there and then, or pretend to value what you said and then find a new line of attack to get you back later. All you can do is try your best and hope for the best possible outcome.

Success strategies

To up your chances of success, keep these tips in mind.

• Start with low intensity, simple tactics.
• Stay cool and collected. If you can’t keep emotions under control, delay any kind of confrontation until you can.
• Remain honest, sincere and positive.
• Your goal is behavior change, not payback or punishment.
• When possible choose the time and place.
• Go easy on yourself if things don’t work out as planned. Manage your expectations with the knowledge that these things are never easy to resolve.
• Regardless of how the bully responds, remain skeptical and vigilant.
• Anticipate potential next move by the bully.

People are rarely comfortable having these kinds of confrontations. In most cases they are worth the effort prior to reporting the behavior.

Image credit: © Can Stock Photo

The A-B-C Model

Did you know that emotions aren’t a direct result of what happens to us, but rather a consequence of the beliefs and thoughts about what happens to us? This A-B-C idea comes from Rational Emotive Therapy. Graphically, it looks like this.

To deal with a bully, most of us believe we have to get the bully to change his or her behavior. Sometimes the odds of that happening seem remote. In those cases, there’s got to be an alternative. And there is. Change the thinking so the bully’s behavior doesn’t cause as much suffering.

Obviously, if the bully is inflicting physical harm or attempting to generate irreparable career damage, a more active approach is required. But when the damage is primarily emotional this can be quite an effective strategy. Think of it as the “I am rubber you are glue” option.

The internal thinking game can be a challenge to pull off, but it is usually worth trying prior to moving to more active response options. It’s safe because at this point the target is working to resolve the problem without involving others.

Here’s how it works. Let’s suppose a co-worker who’s been on your case of late passes you in the hall. Because you have a cheerful nature and good manners, you greet her anyway with a friendly, “Hi Susan.” She responds with an icy glare and continues on her way.

At this point, many people would believe that the hostility of Susan’s behavior will automatically create a bad feeling in you. It probably will if your attention focuses on the following questions and thoughts:

• What have I done to deserve this?
• Why does she hate me so much?
• I’m helpless and can’t do anything to stop these attacks.
• I don’t deserve this.
• It isn’t fair.
• Nobody can help me.

This is where we get back to the A-B-C Model. Imagine how you might feel differently if your thoughts now focused on Susan’s behavior being her problem and reflecting on the options that you do have. Here are some examples:

• Wow, Susan’s having another bad day. Her life must be miserable.
• If Susan doesn’t like me, that’s her problem, not mine.
• She better knock it off or I’m going to have report the behavior.
• I’m going to figure out what to do about Susan because her behavior is getting old.
• Her bad mood doesn’t have to affect my mood.

Targets that successfully use this strategy typically are good at their jobs and make sure others are aware of their positive contributions. They have a strong network of supporters. They are good at keeping the external manifestations of their emotions in check, so that they don’t accidentally fly off the handle at the bully in their attempt to work through the situation. In other words, healthy levels of self-esteem facilitate the use of this option.

In many cases, the bully will need to be confronted or reported, but before taking those steps this is a good first one to try. Use it with bullies that rarely target you or whose opinions matters little to you. At the very least go to this strategy temporarily to buy the time you need to develop a more permanent solution to the problem.

Image credit: boetter

The Options

An employee who is being bullied has five fundamental response options:

1. Do nothing. Continue to take the bully’s abuse, suffering in fear and misery.
2. Manage thoughts about the bullying in order to diminish and possibly even eliminate negative impacts.
3. Confront the bully with the goal of convincing the person to change the behavior.
4. Report the behavior to someone with the authority and skills to effectively intervene on the target’s behalf. This might include escalating to others if the first report doesn’t succeed.
5. Leave the situation. This could mean an internal transfer or finding another employer.

Doing Nothing

Options two through five are all reasonable choices, especially when deployed one after the other if the previous one doesn’t solve the problem. They deserve more space and each will be the subject of a later post in this series.

The first option, however, is all-together different. It is the choice of many. It is also a terrible long-term approach. Choosing helplessness creates untold suffering for the targets and the people who live and work with them. It is also the reason the bully continues the bad behavior.

When witnessing this response as an outsider, it’s easy to wonder why the target isn’t taking a more active role in his or her defense. From the target’s perspective there are a variety of problems that justify the lack of action:

• Don’t know what to do.
• Fear of increased pain, resulting from retaliation by the bully.
• Fear of upsetting the boss by making waves or appearing to be a whiner.
• Fear of potential discomfort associated with a confrontation.

While these concerns may represent the reality of the situation, they must be countered in order to encourage the target to choose a better option. If you are coaching a bullying target to do something productive, you might make the following arguments.

• There are people inside or outside the organization that do know what to do. Find them and let them be a resource.
• The pain levels are already high, nearly unbearable. Things aren’t likely to get much worse than they already are.
• The bully might currently be harassing others or will soon start. Someone needs to put a stop to this.
• Managers and leaders may not want to deal with this, but it is their jobs to help resolve these kinds of problems.

The bottom line is that accepting the bully’s harassment over the long-haul is not an acceptable response. The target must take an active role in his or her defense.

Image credit: JesseBarker